Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
