I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
