Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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