I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
