Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
