Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
