Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
