I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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