Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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