either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
