she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
