i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
