Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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