found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
