fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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