One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
