Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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