I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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