I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
