my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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