I hope mine doesn't look like that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
