omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
