Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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