Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
