you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
