He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
