Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
