He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
