I just cut my nipple shaving
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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