Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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