Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
