i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
