before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
