i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will pee on everything he values.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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