so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
