At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
