I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
