I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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