I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
