I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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