Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I understand Curling. That high.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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