i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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