His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
