Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
