SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
