i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
