So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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