i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
