Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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