nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
