Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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