Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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