no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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