you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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