if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
