I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
