I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
